The Conversations We Carry
How Unspoken Words Keep Us Stuck
Have you ever felt the weight of an unspoken conversation? That heaviness that sits in your chest, sometimes for weeks, months, or even years? I want to share some thoughts about that weight today – and more importantly, about the extraordinary liberation that comes when we finally set it down.
The Burden of What Remains Unsaid
During the past two weeks, I finally had several conversations I'd been carrying around for a long, long time. You know the ones – those discussions you rehearse in your head while driving, in the shower, or lying awake at 1:32 AM. The ones that make your stomach tighten just thinking about them.
The weight of not having these conversations is almost always heavier than having them or, like I've said before, the magic you're looking for is in the conversations you're avoiding.
The Paradox of Waiting for "More Data"
There's this fascinating concept in decision science called the Stopping Rule Selection (SRS). It describes our tendency to keep gathering information even after we have enough to make a decision. We tell ourselves we need "just a bit more data" before we can move forward. An we do this in order to avoid making an actual decision. You know the feeling, right?
The fact, however, is that the most valuable data often isn't in more research, more thinking, or more analysis.
It's in the actual conversations we're avoiding.
The Exhale Moment
Something magical happens when you finally speak the words you've been holding back. Your body literally exhales. It's as if every cell remembers how to breathe again. I experienced this recently, and despite knowing this would happen (I've seen it countless times with clients), the relief still surprised me.
This isn't just poetic language – it's neuroscience. When we carry around unspoken conversations, our bodies remain in a subtle state of tension. Speaking our truth allows our nervous system to finally stand down from its guard duty. And it feels absolutely amazing.
Breaking the Decision Paralysis
Here's where it gets really interesting. Once you start having these difficult conversations, something shifts in your decision-making ability. It's like turning on the lights in a room where you've been fumbling in the dark. Suddenly, the path forward becomes a whole lot clearer.
Why?
Because real data – emotional data, relational data, truth data – comes from engagement, not avoidance. Every conversation you've been avoiding is a piece of your decision-making puzzle that's missing.
The Fear Factor
Fear.
It's the reason we keep these conversations in our pockets instead of bringing them into the light. Fear of conflict. Fear of rejection. Fear of making things worse. Fear of making things real.
But here's what fear doesn't necessarily tell you. The clarity that comes from having these conversations is worth every moment of discomfort. The peace that follows is worth every butterfly in your stomach.
When I was still doing gymnastics, one of our coaches used a phrase while we were preparing for worlds and talking about the fear associated with getting up on stage to perform. He said "you can't get rid of the butterflies in your stomach so all we're going to focus on is to try and get them all to fly in the sane direction."
So when you feel fear, uncertainty of your nervous about having the conversations that matter, focus on trying to get your butterflies flying in the same direction. If you don't know how, get in touch.
Your Challenge This Week
I want you to identify one conversation you've been carrying around.
Just one.
Maybe it's with:
- A colleague about your career path
- A partner about your relationship
- A friend about a misunderstanding
- Yourself about a decision you've been postponing
Now, instead of gathering more data, instead of waiting for the perfect moment, I want you to commit to having this conversation within the next seven days.
And then I want you send me a mail and tell me what it felt like to exhale afterwards.
The Decision Clarity Protocol
To help you move forward, here's a simple framework you can use to get the profess started and to use when you next have to have a conversation that you've been carrying around.
- Identify the conversation you need to have
- Write down what you're actually afraid of (be very specific)
- List what decisions are being held hostage by this unspoken conversation
- Schedule the conversation – put it in your calendar
- Have it, even if your voice shakes
- You've got this!
A Personal Note
I won't pretend these conversations are easy because they'r not.
But I can promise you this. The version of you that exists on the other side of these conversations is lighter, clearer, and more capable of making decisions that align with your truth.
I know the butterflies in your stomach aren't flying in formation yet. That's okay. If you'd like help practicing these conversations or finding your way through a decision, get in touch and let's work through the fear and challenges together.
Those conversations you're carrying?
They get lighter when you don't carry them alone.